this will break your heart

it did mine and it just goes to show you they do understand.... and see I am crying again. Bailey is having a hard time right now.. not walking so well. So please can I get some more prayers going? I trade in all my favors...

left alone

to my own devices this evening. Mike and Hannah went over to Kellie and Steve's to do chilli cleanup. What fun. And what am I doing ... thinking about doing some work. Not fun. I should just go watch the rest of House (damn good show) and Law and Order SVU.

I am a wee bit troubled today by bailey's one leg. It is giving out quite a bit so now all these alarms are going off in my head and wondering if I should call the neurologist. If it is like that in the morning .. I am. I am not wasting time.

Hannah got a note sent home from school today. GOOD NEWS -- she has mastered all the sight words for second grade and she gets to work on the sight words for third grade. She was cheesing when we read the note. She knew she did well, but not that well. GO HANNAH.
Mike and I have ordered her halloween costume -- she wanted to be tinkerbell this year. So we got it all. I think she will be the most beautiful tinkerbell.

I had one of those days today that makes your head tilt sideways like a dog -- go figure. I am actually looking forward to time off coming up next week and not do any work. that's my goal -- no work. It ain't going to work...

beat

Hannah is a wee bit tired today. She got up at 6 to go to before care so we could go to the specialists. I fed her good tonight and she passed out at 6:30.

As for the appt today. As I said before, I did not want to go, and going just confirmed I should not have gone. Yes -- I found out two bits of information. Two bits, mind you, I could have done without right now. Bailey's cancer - -which we thought was only locally aggressive, WRONG. Since it was graded so high -- there is a HIGH chance it will spread. Yeah -- not what I needed to hear. Secondly -- she read over Onyx's chart and informed with that on chemo (mind you an HIGHLY expensive chemo) -- he could go a year. COULD?! But it will spread to his chest (duh -- we knew that) and welp not alot you can do.

I just realized today that I have been dealing with this in very bads ways -- drinking tons of Mountain Dew and Smoking alot of cigs. Not a good combination at all for my RA. So guess what -- I am breaking out with a minor skin infection again and hope that it will just POOF -- go away. I need to ween myself off the Mountain Dew.. not good since my head is still killing me.

And please people, one bit of advice to you -- Don't tell somebody whose dogs are dying that they had a good life and you did everything you could -- it just does not help and why would you think it would? Let them know you are sorry and leave it at that.... or don't say anything at all and be a jackass.

so my fortune says:

"accept the next proposition your hear" -- so I am listening.

I have to say this is cheesy -- but I could not wait for bailey to lay in bed and snuggle. So yes I picked him up and put him bed. Very happy doggie :)


We go see the Oncologist tomorrow morning to discuss Onyx and Bailey. How depressing- emotionally I am tapped. Not sure what to expect from her, but Mike wants to go, so I am going.

Hannah Update: Hannah was chosen for the Talent Development Program at her School -- which I think is like TAG (Talented and Gifted) -- Very Happy!!

They won :)

So I went and had a good time. They won Showmanship and People's Choice. They just missed winning Freestyle by one vote. They did good. Enjoy the pictures

another week ends

As funny as this sounds, I always get happy when I make it through another week. I am a full subscriber to the belief -I am never given more than I can handle. This week at work tested that belief. So many things, soo little time. I get amazed at what I am asked to do and deal with on a daily basis -- but it is a job and I am happy to have it. This morning is rather quiet in the Stanford household. Mike got up at 530am to get ready for the chilli cookoff and Hannah left for the ref festival today. She was suppose to go with Brandon, but he decided not to go and she was very upset. The grandparents even made him a pirate oufit (it is pirate weeken at the ren festival). So it is just me and my dogs -- which after what I have dealt with -- this makes me very happy. Onyx is having a tough morning, coughing all the time (not good) and drinking alot of water. He is very unsettled. I gave him some meds to try and get him there. Bailey is chillin in my room -- I am sure he is glad he does have to take antoher trip to the vets today. He got his staples out yesterday. Zoe finally decided to chill for a minute and take a nap. I have been up for a while -- I haven't been sleeping well since all this stuff with both dogs and I have had this pain in my head and neck for two weeks. I just keep taking different things to make it bearable. I already have done a few loads of laundry, emptied out the dishwasher, straightened the house, paid bills and ate breakfast. I am still not sure if I am going to the chilli cookoff -- most of me wants to finaly get some time to myself and just try and relax and another part of me thinks I should go. Who knows.... right now I am good where I am at, but who knows later.

she is so beautiful

and yes I am biased -- but man look at those eyes. She has her earphones on and singing the songs from the lilo and stich soundtrack -- hysterical!!!

Tomorrow is picture day

for ms hannah. She is in the the shower now so we can hopefully blow dry that hair straight so it won't be a mess in the am. I have to figure out what she is going to where ... decisions?! I will post pictures in the am.

Mike made the appointment for tuesday with the internal medicine specialist to discuss bay and onyx. bleck. I spoke to dr. mcdonnell yesterday to see about bay's lame leg.. it will stay that way. So we must protect his leg because he keeps cutting it from dragging it. poor baby.

I had a lovely outing with co workers today -- Chris, Jake, John, Joseph, Amy, Justin, Alicon and Vince. They soooo make me laugh. We made "tentative" plans to go to Baltimore next weekend for some Fells Point Fun day and an impromptu bar crawl. Thanks guys -- you make my job fun.

more tomorrow.

hannah and her dogs

last night was kinda of tough -- even though we have tried to fill Hannah in on most of what is happening with her dogs -- we never touched on the "they are dying" portion until last night. I have to say it was very hard on me as a mother to watch her heart break like that -- but I also knew I had to be honest. So when Mike got home she broke down again -- uncontrollable sobs -- and so did I. I left them alone to go get myself together. Mike was beside himself.

decisions need to made...

I think that is why I have not posted in a few days. Mike and I had some long talks this weekends and also some long gaps of silence over what to do with Bailey. Since the test results came back on friday -- we were smacked in the face with a 2-4 mos life span from a year. Huge difference and for a little while I was questioning what I had put my happy man thru. But with some reasoning from Mike, I quickly came back to reality. Let explain a little about the cancer Bailey definatley has -- it is a fast growing, aggressive tumor. It does not have a high metastasis rate, but does have a HIGH return growth rate. Meaning, it will not spread, but will grow back in the SAME EXACT place that we just had removed, and since we could not get it all -- it could be uglier. Chemo and radiation gives us very low percentages with doing anything because we could not get all the tumor. The questions we have for the neurosurgeon is can we debulk again (the term they use for removing the tumor) -- and how will all this affect him. Very hard news for us to swallow. Gotta stay strong....

don't know what to say or what to do

We got Bailey's report yesterday from the neurologist. So the results were not what we were prepped for instead it came back _Hemangiopericytoma. Totally different then what we thought and totally different for our time together. Mike and I got a lot to think about. I think mike is going to talk to an oncologist about Bailey and also talk with specialist on internal medicine about onyx and bailey (apparently she will give it to us and not sugar coat anything). Yeah -- I don't think any one has sugar coated anything ... my dogs are dying and it is just a matter of time. Blah...

bailey's HOME

he is home and doing amazing since his just had a tumor removed off his spine. he is walking pretty good on his own. He has to be crated most of time for three weeks. but we are sooo happy :)

let the pictures tell the story-- THAT'S MY BOY!!!

not much more I can say -- look at the pictures -- MY BOY DID GOOD> he is almost walking on his own and he can now feel when we touch his feet. I am soo happy and soo overwhelmed. enjoy!!

surgery went well

We got a call from the neurologist and Bailey's laminectomy went well. They would prefer us not to come see him tonight because he needs to stay calm and quiet for at least 12 hours. They are going to give him food and water tonight. I soo want to see him -- and squeeze his face and just lay with him. But I will get that option soon enough. I guess we wait again for the biopsy -- but we know kinda with what we are dealing with. They could not get all the tumor but that is ok -- again, we knew that. I just want my boy to walk again and come home. Soon, I know, soon.

so trouble comes in pairs

we took bay-bay for his MRI and it was very bad news -- cancer --something called chondro sarcoma -- it has compressed his sprine. we are having surgery tomorrow to try to give him at least a year but not gurantees. mike and I decided since we don't have this option for onyx (or any for that matter) - -we have to give bailey all that we can. They will take the tumor and some of his discs out -- this will hopefully allow him to walk again. The cancer is a nasty one (anyone tired of me saying this?) -- they can not get it all and it will be back. I am so done with cancer. So within a week -- my two boys have been diagnosed with cancer -- both cancers are aggressive and chemo and radiation are not an option. yeah, I am done.

bailey

so bailey had to be taken to the emergency vet today so they could monitor his condition. They are leaning towards something called a Fibrocartilaginous emboli -- which is really werid condition. I haved called few times to make sure he is doing ok -- and he is. The only other thing it could be is tumor -- which would be a VERY bad thing. We are going in the morning to talk to a vet neurologist. He is up to speed on everything, but wants to do a exam and really see what is going on. His paraylsis is still there -- but still has some deep pain in his feet. We are still not out of the woods yet -- because this diagnosis is not definative. So Mike and I are taking it one step at a time. All this with Onyx and now Bailey has left us very overwhelmed and shaking our heads.... keeps those prayers coming guys....

so when it rains it pours

who ever came up with that line -- needs their asses kicked. So now something is wrong with my yellow lab Bailey. I took him up to the vet last night because he was not walking right and cried and hesitated as he walked down the stairs -- very stiff in the front end and his shoulders were shaking. They took blood, his temp and x-rays -- and a some tests on his joints. He showed no pain when extended but had a fever and still walking funny. They decided to give him some anti-imflammatorys and see how he did. Well today it is really bad -- he back end of his body is not working -- his legs are "loosey goosey" and he can't control them. We have spoken to the docs again and are taking him up in a few hours. They are leaning (based on conversations and how he is presenting at this time ) as a possible neurological problem. Which again is breaking my heart -- so yes - -when it rains it does pour. Onyx's test results from his x-rays does show a growth in his chest -- so that just confirms it spread.
This just sucks hard and I can't stop crying ...

poker fun

I forgot to put these up from our 1st poker night --- it was fun. The big winner was Kate (first time player) --I still can't figure out why Chris thinks he is a winner. A big thanks goes to Joseph for sharing his place and to John for pulling this together.

he's tired

Onyx has had a long week. Today he had more x-rays done to see what is on his sternum -- well actually to see if it is the cancer. They sent if off magically via the internet to a company called DarkHorse. Now we wait again. I read the lab report from his toe and it broke my heart more-- those words that you hate to read or hear -- "aggressive malignancy and metastasis." I went up to the hospital to see him and get him ready for his x-ray. He did good.. His is on the bed sleeping soundly after the girls today made him very happy with pizza crust. I am going to finally go try and get some sleep. I know he is having a good dream -- his feet are flopping like he is chasing the bunny. Thanks everyone for helping me get through this week....

so no good news

mike spoke to Dr. Nancy today who then in turn spoke to an oncologist, pathologist and another vet and the consensus is the same: nothing can be done to rid this ick from his body. Chemo and radiation is not recommended but could be an option ( not good quality of life for his remaining time) just to try. Mike and I would do anything this dog, my baby -- but can not let him suffer for our need to keep him around longer.

I have cried everyday -- at random moments to try to get it all out but it does not stop. I try to separate this from work, but it is becoming harder and harder. I just can't seem to shake this overwhelming dread -- I am tired from not sleeping, I am hungry from not eating and generally not dealing well.

I thank god truely that I have a group of friends and family that understand how difficult this is and am soo thankful that they have reached out to me -- their words, their hugs and efforts to keep my spirits lifted have overwhelmed me and softened the hard exterior that I always put up to protect myself. I know, and they know, that I can't handle this like I think I can or should and they know this is going to hurt me more then I care to imagine. I only hope and pray I can ease the pain and show him that I can take care of him now when he needs me.

so it is with deep sadness

that I let everyone know ( or the three people who read this) that onyx's test results were not good -- it is cancer but not the kind they had anticipated. It is subungual melanoma -- and it looks to have spread to his lymph nodes and possibly on his sternum. so needless to say -yet again I have been crying my eyes out because the prognosis is not good. I want to talk with the Dr. Nancy about it all to see what (if anything) can be done. I just want him to be comfortable and not to suffer. Hell, I actually just want him not to have this icky disease. It has been a long time since I felt this kind of ache -- and I can't make it go away. I can't even describe the effect this creature has had on my life-- and I can never imagine him not being there. Mike is frantically talking to his doctors and trying to calm with down and arm me with all the necessary information to prepare me for what will eventually come. I just don't think anything can prepare me for this moment or what is about to happen. I have dealt with a fair amount of death and each one has affected me differently. I am just not ready to let go, I am not ready to accept this and I am not ready for what is around the corner...

so we had to get

hannah a new tv -- the other one just kinda went hay wire. So dad picked out a 20 inch tv and she is in heaven. She has been watching it on and off all day. We got up early (before dad) and went to target to get a few things and then got dad up to get the TV. I almost bought me a sirius receiver.... just hate that I have to wait to get it installed... I am on the cusp because it is 1/2 off the monthly service if we get another one and I was JAMMIN today with Mike's car.

Hannah finished cleaning up -- it only took her 6 hours yesterday and like two today. I still can't believe she barely filled up a bag. She also broke out in major rash on her face from the ren faire on saturday from the makeup she had painted on her face -- so no more make up from faire.

I am trying to convince mike to wash my car.. why do I have to convince him? He should want to do it.... not :)

Sirius and Hannah

We got up this morning and got the radio installed so Mike is in heavan. Pre-programming is done and systems all go- 29 stations of music and 1 station of football. The funny thing is I want one now -- darnit...







Hannah is working on cleaning out toys for donations -- it is going slowly. Her and Mike have made deals -- so we will see what happens on this one. All you see on the floor is barbies and her stuff. sad -- it really is.

I am off to lay in bed -- me not feel right today. :(


Oh... this is hannah at the ren faire yesterday

Hannah is at the ren festival

today, so I am sure that I will have pictures later or her grandparents will. So today I went and got 2 inches cut off my hair and Mike went and bought Sirius Radio for football. My question is "Is he going to sit in his car to listen to it?" Oh well -- so I went and bought clothes :) It seems semi fair :)

I went out last night (yes again) with co-workers to the chop. Had a really good time -- most of my team came out and just had me laughing for hours -- of course making fun of me. I think it has become John's full time job. We also went out to have drinks for Kate's birthday. We got over there EARLY because Chris was having a little too much fun touching himself at work (which I caught him doing) -- so it was time to bug out. Plus Jake was bouncing on his ball just a little too much. I know -- what's wrong with this picture. Nothing -- they work on computers all day and they gotta have fun somehow?!

A few more days until the poker game which has turned into a a lot bigger game then we thought. We have twelve players and now we have to have 2 games going on and see where it goes from there. I am sure I will tons of pictures from that ... ha blackmail is sweet.

more soon -- of Hannah of course :)

I don't think...

I will ever get to New Orleans -- I was suppose to go at the end of this month for our national event -http://www.aarp.org/aarp_benefits/natl_events/ -- but that is off and things are going from really bad to horrible. The goal now is to figure out how we can help-- I am sure we will get it together soon.

Hannah is in the process of getting in trouble because she is not listening. She was suppose to clean up 45 minutes ago and welp did not get it done. Dad is threatening to throw the polly pockets in the trash. Clean up time Hannah :)

I played a little poker tonight -- Texas Hold'em -- to
prepare for my co-workers first poker game -- should be interesting, considering 95% of them have never played before and well, it has nothing to do with a computer. Mike was kind of enough to walk thru a few things with me and then took over the game (it is a playstation game) and at this point knocked everyone out of the tournament except two players and is up $5000.00. I told him the boys will never let him play.... just too good for them. one more day till the weekend...