where did oct and nov go

me thinks i have a little whip lash from that. things been ok. i think my body is wearing down from the job. it can been really physical and on my feet all day and it just does not do this body good at all. i can never tell if is the lupus or the ra, but it hurts and it does not go away. it beats me down like a drum. constantly reminding me that yes, i have limitations and i am not adhering to the plan. don't have many choices in that realm. need a job. need a better job. need a better body. all dreams that seem so far away. i live thinking about the past and what did i do to deserve this, i will easily admit i was no angel but don't think i deserve this sentence.

i am a little down right now and having a hard time keeping it together, not sure what path to go on or how to ease the pain or the LOUD banging that is going on. decisions are limited and not the most ideal. but i have to do something soon or I will lose more then my sanity.

ok.. that's it for now. off to see a friend and hopefully i can keep it together because i don't talk about all this with anyone.

emotional rollercoaster

so these last SEVERAL days have been hard for me (as you can read). the health thing seems to be coming in to full view again and can't seem to recover. i try and try, but the stress from things happening at work are making that option seem impossible. I am not perfect by any means, but I do try and try really hard to make things work and make folks happy. but i have found myself in a situation that is almost impossible and i really don't have the energy or the right frame of mind to play those games. i am not good at letting others fail. because it my mind, i fail. i am trying to step back and let things happen and let the chips fall where they may, but it is hard. the emotional roller coaster is killing my insides and making my lovely disease wake up from its slumber. you see, stress is not good for anyone. but add a few autoimmune diseases to the mix and you are headed for trouble. and yet i know this and can't get out of the way. work is work. i was so loving my new work. i was so loving my new mentor. i was so on my way. and now i am not so sure about the new dynamics at work and how i will survive it. i am no longer that optimistic girl from earlier in my blog (years ago) after what i have seen and felt what this shit can do to me and others.

i still know i am good at my job, but i am not sure i will survive it. sad

fatigue

who would ever thought that little word could be so devastating. i have struggled with this symptom for many years, some days much better then others. i try many things to combat it from folic acid and vitamins to the not so conventional use of mountain dew. it is very hard not to get sucked into the fatigue. there are days where i can literally sleep on and off all day and night and feel like i am dying. there are days where i can forget that i am even bothered with it. but those days where it sucks me in, it kills my spirit, my will and my wants. nothing can be done to push those days away. i have NO choice but to give in. this makes me incrediably sad and hurt.

i just feel like giving in on those days and it is hard to convince myself otherwise. it's rough, debilitating and chronic. it is hard to convey what it feels like or even compare it to something.

i am tired... plain and simple.

Stolen thoughts

So i took this from a fellow lupus blogger -- but have changed the responses :)

1. The illness I live with is: Systemic Lupus. I also have Rheumatoid Arthritis, Reynauds Syndrome, Vascilitis

2. The year I was diagnosed was: 2001.

3. I had symptoms since: since I was diagnosed with Lyme's disease, I never recovered.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: dealing with life minute by minute and try to enjoy each moment.

5. Most people assume: there is nothing wrong with me cause i don't look sick

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Continuing to move forward, hoping I can make it.

7. My favorite TV medical show is: House, for obvious reasons

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: no gadgets, but my dogs --

9. The hardest part about nights are: wondering if i can make it thru the night without pain, restlessness and thinking about tomorrow

10. Each day I take: the minimum 8 pills ( and that is a good day) with my Mountain Dew. Every Monday, I take my MTX injection and every other tuesday I take Humira injection

11. Regarding alternative treatments, I: don't bother.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible illness, I: um, neither, they both suck.

13. Regarding working and career: i am proving to myself that i can work -- that is one of the hardest, most painful adjustments I have had to emotionally deal with.

14. People would be surprised to know: that i gave up coloring my hair because of my disease-- and it takes so much energy to get up and move every day.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is: i will never get better.

16. Something that I never thought I could do with my illness that I did: have a life.

17. The commercials about my illness: are cheesy.

18. Something I really miss doing before I was diagnosed is: walking everywhere.

19. It was really hard to give up: my career.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: helping others cope

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would: taking a long walk with my daughter, husband and doggies.

22. My illness has taught me: patience and understanding

23. Want to know a secret? One thing that people say that gets under my skin is: You can't be sick or Oh I am sorry, yeah.. one of my friend's mother has lupus but she is much older. UGGGHHHHHH

24. But I love it when people: email me, call me, help me and make me giggle.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, or quote that gets me through tough times is: "There are other folks out there that have it much worse then I do."

26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them: Ask more questions, become more educated and don't give up.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: how little folks know about lupus, understand and accept the new me.

28. The nicest thing someone has done for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: My friends and family have been good to me..