so it is with deep sadness

that I let everyone know ( or the three people who read this) that onyx's test results were not good -- it is cancer but not the kind they had anticipated. It is subungual melanoma -- and it looks to have spread to his lymph nodes and possibly on his sternum. so needless to say -yet again I have been crying my eyes out because the prognosis is not good. I want to talk with the Dr. Nancy about it all to see what (if anything) can be done. I just want him to be comfortable and not to suffer. Hell, I actually just want him not to have this icky disease. It has been a long time since I felt this kind of ache -- and I can't make it go away. I can't even describe the effect this creature has had on my life-- and I can never imagine him not being there. Mike is frantically talking to his doctors and trying to calm with down and arm me with all the necessary information to prepare me for what will eventually come. I just don't think anything can prepare me for this moment or what is about to happen. I have dealt with a fair amount of death and each one has affected me differently. I am just not ready to let go, I am not ready to accept this and I am not ready for what is around the corner...