ok, trying slowly

to get back on my feet. working is a problem right now, so i am starting slowly. hopefully i can go back up to full speed soon (if i ever find something). i think (knock on wood) i got insurance again. that would be a huge relief. i really need to ring the doc cause the vasculitis on my hands are back and getting worse, so maybe a pulse of steriods would do me good right now. who knows.

lots of soccer this weekend (if the weather holds out) - a scrimmage on saturday morning and game sunday. i need to start planning for the end of year soccer party and ordering trophies. yuck!! but i am sure i can get it done all by myself :)

sidenote: i have been catching up on the sopranos ( i started watching it later on) and finally know what the hell happened to so many people!! loving it!!

subtle reminders

on days i feel good, i am always subtly reminded that I have lupus, ra, reynaud's and other lovely autoimmune diseases -- just so I don't get confused and think i am healthy. sunday rendered my left leg useless, which i did not know until i tried to walk and i fell. kinda funny -- all i could do was laugh. it is just my disease letting me know it is still alive and kicking. yesterday was a treat because i felt like pins and needles were attacking my arms and legs all day long. i have to admit that is the freakiest feeling ever. not sure what that is about but eventually they will figure it out.

days like this make me laugh, not cry. i try so hard to get myself together and feeling ok and then these subtle reminders put me in my place and say "yeah, you may feel good, but we are still invading your body!" these subtle reminders i can deal with and will deal with. what else are you suppose to do? you gotta give lupus credit, it does not discriminate on any one body part, it goes after them all. lovely!!

weekend over

and it was a nice one!! a little too hot for this time of year, but a good one. it was nice to forget the worries of not working and focus on home and family. the girl went to a craft festival with her grandparents and her friend brandon while mike and i did some yard work and hung out together. the draft was on so it was hard to get mike's attention for long.

we finally had soccer yesterday and the girls did good for not having practice for three weeks. the heat was a factor. we had one girl overheat and go home, one hurt her ankle and was out and a few just got tired way to fast. we did a lot of subbing to keep them hydrated. thank god someone bought rita's italian ice -- it helped cool the girls off. they lost the game 2-1. they played hard in the first half but died off in the second.

practice today will be interesting -- still hot and muggy. i am up early and did not sleep very well. kept on having a sharp pain in my thigh.

happy monday!

Finally - I can move

the fall the other night took me for a loop! Whew. heating pads and hot baths helps, along with pain medication. i feel good today. a little optimism has crept back in and as long as i keep telling myself things will get better, i will believe it.

i went and visited with my mom yesterday. nice to see her and so grateful for her help. it looks like we will have soccer this weekend ( the weather looks great) but the downfall is that the girls have not had practice since before easter. not sure how well that is going to work in the mix. the girl gets her report card today and i am going to walk up to school to get it before she goes out with her grandparents. my daughter told me she was having a hard time with me not working and just wants me happy. that makes two of us.

i really want to go see the movie earth this weekend. the girl is going to some sort of festival saturday so hopefully the husband and I can have a date to the movies.

my lupus is maintaining - so no complaints!! well today anyway!

oops, i did it again

i took a tumble down the stairs. my arm and back took the brunt of the fall. that really smarts. i am beginning to think i am a klutz. i am about to pull out the heating pad in hopes that my muscles won't get to tight.

it is raining, yet again. we have not had soccer practice in 3 weeks, mostly because of the weather. my girl is getting frustrated. so we started walking at night. as long as i am up for it. she seems to like it and i enjoy the movement.

well off to soothe my painful back and arm

reading reading reading

searching for a job is a full time job. i never imagined in my wildest dreams it being so difficult. i know times are tough. I get up everyday and scour the internet, email and blogs to see what is available. rack my brain to come up with a clever cover letter to make me stand out and fill out tons of online applications and go through there 45 minute process to sign up. god knows i am trying.

staying optimistic is a full time job as well. it really is. there are only so many ways to pump yourself up when you haven't heard a word. but i do, i keep chugging along.

words of wisdom would go well right about now with a side of opportunity. i need to stay strong, focused and in a good frame of mind.

i keep getting encouraging messages from a dear friend and they really help. something will come, i just want it sooner then later.

now, another day gone and 45 more applications processed.

hannah home

we are very excited that my daughter is home from her nice vacation with her aunt. she had a blast!!! shopping, reading, eating, painting toenails. all that fun girlie stuff. the boys missed her a lot~~

she wants to go back in the summer...

rocky week

i kinda fell into a slump this week. still trying to figure out what the heck is going on and where i go from here. i spent a few days in bed watching re-runs of "Sex and the City" trying to make myself happy. it was fun to watch them. it also made me think of those friends in my life that i miss dearly. the daily chats, the gossip and the shopping. i seem to have become disconnected from them to a certain extent and it makes me rather sad. i know people come and go and i have usually have dealt well with that being the norm, but lately not so much. my heart aches for those folks. i get the distinct feeling that i am becoming a distant memory or that friend that they don't have much in common with anymore. the sick one. the one who generally says no to outings. the social downer. the girl who can't drink. "no fun" as some have called me. i guess i gotta hit bottom before i go back up. i do miss them. i am trying. don't give up. i can rebound, it will just take a little longer. dealing and accepting things have always been a process with me. i need and want to move on, it's just every now and again i get stuck.

i need those folks in my life more then ever - not to disappear or to leave me just because things have changed. i can't be that strong person all the time. i need to swap places every now and again.

having two autoimmune diseases has hit me pretty hard, as it would do to anyone. having two autoimmune disease and losing your insurance and job is even harder. people say they are sorry, but are they really? do they understand what an autoimmune disease even is or what it can do to your body? the pleasure of having two means not much is left to be healthy, but I try. i don't want to look sick to make folks believe that i am sick or that i am in a constant battle everyday.

i want to try and work, to make a difference and not let this take me completely out. i want my friends in my life. i want to gossip, laugh and cry over moments in our life. i don't want to feel sorry for myself over what has happened. i want to move on and get past this and be happy and content. i don't want to lose my house. i don't want to lose my dogs. i don't want to lose my husband. i want to be able give my daughter her mom back.

i feel too guys. and it hurts.

support support - everywhere

i have been a blogger for about 4 years, mostly just blogging about my life with my daughter. recently i changed my focus because i really needed an avenue to find support and to hear words of encouragement from those who suffer the same diagnosis as myself. i have been so surprised at the response and the feedback. i appreciate and have come to love seeing the comments from others dealing and living with lupus. i need it. it's not an addiction (yet) but could become one. i never thought it was necessary to talk to those who suffer the same thing - just was not my thing. i could not have been more wrong. it is important to know that i am not alone, that things do get better and to know there are folks out there i can reach out to if i need a shoulder. i am usually the one doling out advice - dogs, webs, computers and such. never have i been on the receiving end. not an easy role for me to transition into, but i am sliding in nicely.

so to those who have stopped by and offered support, words of wisdom and encouragement -- THANK YOU!!! you have made each day bearable in this tough time and just knowing that u are there makes me feel a little safer in my insane, lupus filled world.

fresh new do

i need a change, my hair had grown way past my shoulder and was becoming hideous. so today (thanks to a friend and some gcs) it was cut up to my chin line. much needed. now can i get a job please and move past this awful time in my life?

april fools

ha, it's all over the Internet -- happy april fools day!! just another day to play a practical joke on somebody and no matter how bad, be totally forgiven for it. blah blah blah...

the weather here is dreary and drizzling. not the best weather for anybody. i am snuggled up on the couch trying desperately to get warm and not winning that battle. i made hot tea and layered my clothing. my bones are COLD. i was surprised to a nice day with a friend and my husband came home early so we could walk to school and pu the girl. i love it when he comes home early.

so i do have to comment on american idol from last night -- why is it every time these kiddies get to pick songs from any genre they screw it up. Megan Joy's version of "Turn the Lights Down Low" was so painful and god awful, I totally forgot why she was in the top 9. Why can't she just freaking do Amy W or Duffy and see if she can sing? everybody "thinks" she has that potential, just freaking do it and get it over with? i was extremely disappointed with 90% of the performances. one savior for the night - kris allen doing his version of "ain't no sunshine when she's gone." nicely done . i would love to see him do john mayer. that's my two cents worth.