rocky week

i kinda fell into a slump this week. still trying to figure out what the heck is going on and where i go from here. i spent a few days in bed watching re-runs of "Sex and the City" trying to make myself happy. it was fun to watch them. it also made me think of those friends in my life that i miss dearly. the daily chats, the gossip and the shopping. i seem to have become disconnected from them to a certain extent and it makes me rather sad. i know people come and go and i have usually have dealt well with that being the norm, but lately not so much. my heart aches for those folks. i get the distinct feeling that i am becoming a distant memory or that friend that they don't have much in common with anymore. the sick one. the one who generally says no to outings. the social downer. the girl who can't drink. "no fun" as some have called me. i guess i gotta hit bottom before i go back up. i do miss them. i am trying. don't give up. i can rebound, it will just take a little longer. dealing and accepting things have always been a process with me. i need and want to move on, it's just every now and again i get stuck.

i need those folks in my life more then ever - not to disappear or to leave me just because things have changed. i can't be that strong person all the time. i need to swap places every now and again.

having two autoimmune diseases has hit me pretty hard, as it would do to anyone. having two autoimmune disease and losing your insurance and job is even harder. people say they are sorry, but are they really? do they understand what an autoimmune disease even is or what it can do to your body? the pleasure of having two means not much is left to be healthy, but I try. i don't want to look sick to make folks believe that i am sick or that i am in a constant battle everyday.

i want to try and work, to make a difference and not let this take me completely out. i want my friends in my life. i want to gossip, laugh and cry over moments in our life. i don't want to feel sorry for myself over what has happened. i want to move on and get past this and be happy and content. i don't want to lose my house. i don't want to lose my dogs. i don't want to lose my husband. i want to be able give my daughter her mom back.

i feel too guys. and it hurts.