a little journey for zoe

so i decided to take my little zoe for a walk today to pick up my daughter from school. she is a pembroke welsh corgi and needed the exercise. she is very easy going and loves attention. but she is very focused on me. so we walked up to school to wait for the girl and then found her at the front doing her school safety duties. i was two steps away from her when i got snagged by a crotchety guidance counselor that felt the need to tell me i could not bring my dog to school. never mind that there are always dogs up at school and they are always bigger then my dog, what a hag. so i told hannah to leave her post and let's take the long way home. zoe did not appreciate the walk at all. the long way exposed her to zooming cars, a girl who wanted to walk her but the dog was focused on me behind them and then tons of broken glass on the ground. i then proceeded to quickly pick up this dense dog and carry her for a while so she would not get cut, needless to say she has been irritated with me since.

not sure i am going to do that again for a while...

soccer has begun!

well officially last week, but my daughter was sick. so yesterday was it. she was so excited and it was a nice day, except for the sloppy ass fields. the girls were tired but hung in there. my girl stayed on top of the ball and the girls were finally showing signs of teamwork. i just wish they showed signed of ball control. the goalies have a lot to work on -- including kicking the ball out of the box and not whiffing it or kicking it out of bounds. the final was a tie game. several girls got hit hard, but did not let it get to them.

i lathered up with 70 spf as i was told, put a hat on and sat under a chair with a canopy. i enjoyed the game!!! the uniforms looked spiffy and the girls are so funny when they get together.

late

have not been getting a lot of sleep the last couple of days. the appetite thing is not going the right way. forgot to take my shot yesterday and just remembered about an hour ago. so now my arm is a wee sore. finally joined twitter. the only reason was to catch up with everyone. or see what they were doing. i enjoyed a lazy day today - raining outside. this weather does me NO good. right now i am watching bad tv and feeling a tad sad cause my doggies went up to bed with my husband. hopefully the kid will have soccer tomorrow. got all the uniforms back with the girl's name on them. now i have to give them back out again.

still looking for work. still saying my prayers. still trying to stay positive.

scared?

so it's my first full day since my decision to leave my job because of my health. several peeps have called to see how i was doing. this is what i know - i don't regret what i did. i could no longer handle the stress and all the other "extras" that came along with the job. i hope i can find something that fits me and my personality. i am glad i am not crying and hurting inside. i am relieved. but in the same breath, i am scared. i am scared because i don't have anything lined up. i am afraid of my insurance situation. i have pondered how i can make my medicine stretch. i am worried my husband can't handle this on top of dealing with a wife with lupus and ra. i am terrified of letting my daughter down. i am amazed that i had enough courage to make a change and not just put up with it.

i am trying to get my sense of self back. i lost myself over these past couple of months - no backbone, no self worth and constantly taking so much shit. it was (is) like i have been stuck on pause. i would like to hit the play button now and catch up. i would like to stop second guessing me and what i can do.

any suggestions?

much needed change

so i finally made a change today. i realized over the last couple of weeks that certain signs were re-appearing concerning my lupus. the vasculitis was returning. the heart/chest pain was making a repeat performance. those are not a good sign. it means i do not have my disease under control even with the adjustments to the meds. i needed to get rid of the severe stress in my life, it was causing so many problems and serving no point, well except to make me very sick and depressed. it was mostly coming from work and I just could not do it anymore. it was one of the hardest decision ever because i am not a quitter and don't like giving up. but i needed to do it. i had to do it. i was turning into a miserable person, a terrible mom and a sad excuse for a wife.

i just could not bring myself to do it until i got a text and a phone call - one from a friend and one from my husband. i am so afraid of what is around that corner, finding a job in this economy is awful. i am hoping those who know me and my work with help me out in the category. i can hope. i have hope now.

tgif

i can't tell you how excited i am every week on fridays. that means i made it another week. i am not sure how i do it, but i keep pushing through. my health is hanging. this week was kind of tough -- chest seems to flutter a lot (like i get the wind knocked out of me) and my legs are not liking the severe changes in the weather. the chest thing makes me nervous. i think i have a doc appt coming up, but i can't remember and usually get a phone call reminder -- oh well.

soccer games commence this weekend and duties for me begin. i have everything ready - uniforms separated out for each kid in a bag, raffle tickets, contracts, team money collection and rosters to turn in. whew, fun!

i just got my 3rd mtx shot at home, the seem to be going well. i am just a little disappointed that i am not 100%, but i am thinking that has a lot to do with other items then what is going on inside.

having lupus really does suck, somebody asked me the other day if that was like cancer.

love my time

i am struggling with how to spend my time and dealing with all the fatigue that comes with my diseases. i push myself thru the week to make it, but saturday I am soooo whipped it is crazy. i am trying so hard to keep up, not to get worked up over situation and find something i love to do. i am happy to say that my appetite has picked up and my emtions seem to be in check latley. i am just not doing well in some aspects of my life.

i can honestly say that i am so tired of going to the doctors.

some happy moments

so i made it through two days, one with a black eye and one with flowers waiting for me when i got home. the flowers made me so happy! tomorrow it is my b-day and it was just a nice thought. i won't even go into the black eye fiasco.

my health seems to maintaining at the moment. yes, i am knocking on wood right now. i have few errands tomorrow for work and a friend -- but besides that, nothing special. just me trying not to kick my ass for not accomplishing more in my life and feeling sorry for myself for having this ever taking disease. i will get past that, keep inching forward and pushing myself.

i really want to snuggle with my puppies tomorrow.... such bliss!!!

a nice day

so this weekend was turning out to be low key. mike freaked out a smidge giving me the mtx shot for the first time, but it went well. the weather this week has been weird. snow in the beginning and almost 80 at the end. too much for my body to handle.

my really good friend pushed her way to see me today and i was glad. i am in the mode of really not wanting to see people, partially cause i don't think i look all that good. she took me to a lovely lunch and we had a great talk. nice :)

this week is my birthday. i will try and not get depressed on this day this year, i have lost far too much time lately to being depressed.

i totally forgot that we move our clocks ahead today. what a dork. i got a few things done this weekend -- around the house. i gotta wash my car. i am sure it will rain once i do it. let's hope i make it through another week of madness.

doctor update

i forgot to update on the changes or additions to my lupus med plan. i will be getting my mtx injections once a week from my husband. i have decided to take these on fridays, so if i get sick or don't feel good, i have a few days to recuperate. i have started back on vitamin d because my totals were at 19 and they should be at 30. the good thing is that it is up from my 12 last year. and to top it all off, i am also taking the calcium + vitamin d 2times a day. this is on top of humira, plaqunil, ultracet, folic acid and the occasional vicodin or xanax - depending on how i am feeling. oh yeah, i take one benedryl a night to ensure i don't get hives. i get hives so easily. whew. yes that is a lot. kinda scary if you think about it. i try not to think about how much i take to often, then i would get upset and that is not good.

we had a decent snow in md this week. my daughter and dogs loved it. those things make me happy. i am trying to juggle things around the house and trying to get more help to get things done. my daughter is fighting me and is a tad resentful over the fact all of a sudden she has to do more, but i know i just can't do it all right now. my husband is trying too. he works full time and does what he can. sometimes i just try and do it instead of asking, pleading and explaining. that mentally taxes me.

what the heck

i have been feeling pretty good. no real complaints compared to how i have felt over the past couple of months. but i have got to learn not to let certain people bother me and stress me out because it makes things physically worse for me. I have to learn to let it roll. I also need to better hide how I am feeling and reacting to those people. i am trying to learn, but man am I being pushed.