where did that time go (this week)

well my weeks are going by quickly. in about two weeks the girl will graduate, or how they say in public school - bridge. to me she is going to the 6th grade. not bridging. i went to private school all my life and we had a kindergarten graduation, eight grade grad and then the REAL one. not this prek grad, kid grad, 5th grad and god know what else. i think she is excited, she has her dress, shoes and family has been invited. i think i am in more shock that my girl is turning 11 soon. where did time go? that for a much different time and different blog.

i have had a full week, working more then scheduled and paying for it dealing with very painful legs and arms. but at this point i am emotionally feeling sooo much better that i can deal with the pain -- i can manage it now. i have noticed a change in me - less negative, not so stand-offish and wanting to reach out and be with folks. i finally plugged the phones back in. yes, i have had them unplugged for a good three weeks. so this is a pretty big step for me. the boy pushed me to start dealing with all the other stuff and i think i am ready. i just need to find that job --

the puppies are doing well. they have served many purposes thru this journey. they have helped me stay up beat, gave me a reason to get out of bed after the girl went to school cause they HAD to go out. they have put up with me being out of it, cranky and very (VERY) needy. i have been teaching them how to pull me up from the couch since that is becoming more and more difficult and they are learning but not quite there yet. i have bugged them, poked them, chased them, hugged and kissed them so much that they won't do anything without me. most of the time they need me to feed them, take them out and just be in their presence. not a good place since others need to be able to do these things - not just me. but man, i am so grateful they have been around in my darkest hours.

the girl traded in her ds and a boat load of games today to get the new Nintendo dsi - she traded in so much it only cost her 37 smackaroos. she was very excited so that made me jump for joy.

well tomorrow is a day off and i hope i feel well enough to get a few things done around the house and not just sleep-- but the weather does not look promising.

glad for a day of rest?

have been a little busy and a little under the weather this week. i take it all with a grain of salt. at least i am able to get up, look presentable and somewhat tackle the day. i am grateful for that because not so long ago i could not even get out of bed.

i am trying to reach out to those friends that i let slip while i was going through my bad time, and that is hard.

welp, i need to focus on my day and get moving.

when did it all go wrong

that question keeps popping in my head lately. the better question is: how can i fix it all? i don't have that answer just yet. i know things are pretty crappy in my world in terms of finding a job. things are ok with my health. it is NOT easy juggling lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, Renaud's syndrome and vasculitis all at the same time, but i am managing to keep it in check.

now i really need to pick myself up, dust myself off and get things on track. still, what are my options?

more pondering is in store for me. i am really,really tired tonight. i just got my shot, ate a little dinner and cleaned up. the question is now: should i turn in for the evening so i can be super productive tomorrow?

sad girl

today was hard for me for some reason. more so emotionally then anything else. i got over the physical pain from yesterday's very long day. i really don't like to be alone and have been that way all day. still looking for that job that will fill my time and make me happy. i guess desperate is more like it.

i have been using my time with busy work, web work, part time gig (which i really enjoy) and other stuff. days like today make me really think about my disease and how at times i realize that i still have that denial that my diseases are real or that they will disappear as quickly as they appeared. i wonder if others feel that way. when does it really sink in and how do you learn accept that? i know i have it, but emotionally it plays tricks on me. i have found some comfort from reading blogs keeping up to date and twittering. sometimes i need a real person that understands, that is going through something very similar, then I think nah...

i have kept to myself, mostly out of need to deal and cope. god knows i miss folks, but this is a dark and difficult time that is far too much.

my med regime is made up of humira, methotrexate, plaquenil, folic acid, vitamin d, ultracet and the occasional steroid and painkiller. not bad considering what other folks in my same condition could be taking.

well enough of this venting, thanks for your time :)

very tired

have been working hard and not had any real time to slow down. today it caught up to me. lots of pain, slow to move and hands are on FIRE. hopefully some down time tomorrow will make it all better.

got the girl's concert tonight and then i am off to bed early to get some much needed rest. ahhh.. sounds to good to be true.

peace

May is Lupus Awareness month

ok folks, it's time to become more diligent in our quest for new meds and a cure.

I encourage you to learn more and to get more involved...

http://www.lupus.org/newsite/index.html.

Take a moment visit the site and see what you can do to help me and others just like me live longer...

YES, FINALLY

got some health insurance and ordered a boat load of meds to day and last night. finally, amen, thank you jesus. well actually thank you MG. one thing crossed off my list, now on to a full time job.

i also purchased a sweater for 2.83 --- WOW what a bargain :) I spent a good amount of my time yesterday organizing my closets and doing work for a dr on the web. that can be a little lonely.

i have got to get better about eating before i go to my gig -- that is too long to go without food. i am tired today and my legs don't quite agree with how long i was on them today. but i am ok and thankful for another day.

oh yeah and I also started putting in motion the soccer party, the invitations, set a scrimmage for saturday and did a little fund raising for the team trophies .... not bad

realization

i think i have come to a rather sad realization today -- i no longer like working on computers or doing web work. i think i am toast and the satisfaction is gone. i have done this kind of work for a long time and realized last night after doing some web work and working on 3 computers at once ( 1 monitor caught on fire, one won't connect to the internet and the other network adapter is fried) that i don't enjoy doing it anymore. it made me miserable. wow, there - I said it. i know i am good at it but not sure if it can make me happy anymore.

i guess having a disease that limits many things in life makes you take stock and this chick is not happy with the route she has taken and needs to make a few changes that work for the lupus/ra and for me -- gina. i think most people forget about me. i have for a long time.

i had lunch with a friend the other day and he mentioned that people kept asking about me. ha-- that's funny. my first response (and the one i actually went with) is that i took care of those people for 7 years and i am tired -- my energy is tapped and i just am focusing on me, my health and my family right now. i am changing or shall i say - "EVOLVING" - learning, morphing, growing -- living. every day is a new challenge and thank god i get a chance to do it again -- cause there are days where i don't feel that lucky or if i will even get another chance.

well i am getting off this computer, not working on a website tonight (nor attempting to fix a computer) and looking forward to my next chance -- tomorrow. diesel is calling me to snuggle and i think i will go snuggle. :)

another weekend down

not a bad one either. we had our scrimmage yesterday and the girls did pretty good for playing against a co-ed, older team. they got the practice they needed and looked like they knew what they were doing most of the time :) they score only one goal, but my girl set up the point and was excellent in all her positions. the game were canceled today and she was disappointed. we hope to do more scrimmages as the seasons moves on.

i feel good, no major FLARES. still concerning me is the vasculitis. it is appearing in larger, more painful areas of my hands and i hope i can get it resolved soon. the tingling sensation has subsided and feel my strength and stamina returning.

i am working a couple of days this week which I am excited about, my only hope is that i line something up more substantial soon.

my lupus/ra lesson of the week... things can only get better!!!