Can you believe it?

the first day of school for my girl -- well middle school that is!
She also started riding the bus for the first time. and here is the exciting part, two of her classes she will be blogging. i almost feel like she is an expert of this because of me and starting out blogging almost 5 years ago. she followed the blog because it was mostly about her and life with hannah. i am excited for her. and well, maybe a little for me as well. another avenue for me to go on and on about. ha. she has a full schedule, a couple advanced classes and a few regular. now let's not forget her electives. my confusion is how she got percussion and did not pick that. bleck!

i have decided to keep forging on ward in my new career. i am going for co-manager. this is my new goal for the next few months. i need to keep my head down and focused. but i am pretty sure i can do it.

some comfort

whew, what a rough few days. my legs have been feeling like lead and very painful and hot. i have done my best to push through it and continue thru my every day routine, including working. I had to change and work early yesterday and was sooooo happy to have the rest of the day with my family and today as well.

the comfort is not letting this minor flare ups get to me and still live each minute and do every day things like cutting the grass, weeding the garden, grocery shop and laundry. yes, they are very routine for most folks but very hard for me to do on a regular basis. but i refused to give in yesterday and did all that and worked a shift. amen.

another comfort of mine is football. i am sooo glad that it has started up again. i was very jealous this week when my husband attended the ravens/redskins game and i did not. any live football game is such a treat. hopefully we will be attending some redskins games this year as part of the fundraising job for our soccer team. yes, we get to work games and earn money for our team. and just to stress to you again, the best part is we get to see a live football game.

the girl starts school in one week. this year she is in middle school and she will be taking the bus. wow, changes. we just picked up her MSA school and she did extremely well!! but then again she always does well.

and finally soccer -- i began my duties as team manager and created a group on google for all the parents so the communication piece will be easier this time. the hardest part about the beg. of a season is the chaos about new players -- and the league not having the best organizational skills. but it will all work out. we only have two players that are questionable and if they choose not to play, we have three other girls that would like to join the team.

ah, yes and finally the boys. they are doing great. diesel was sick a few weeks ago and had to have iv subq and lots of meds. he even had chicken and rice for about 5 days for every meal. that was a chore to ensure there was enough rice and chicken for his normal meal. I had to cook 10 chicken breasts and about 6 cups of rice. but he is all better now. ripley is doing well. big as every and still very talkative. if he does not like something, he will let you know. he and zoe love to beat the crap out of each other. i still can't believe zoe will be 9 in a few months. she is very cranky and very bitter, but we love her contrary to the constant complaining about her yapping and attacking my boys. diesel will turn 4 on sept 1st and ripley will be 3 in early november.

oh, my meds are still working (most of the time) and still am hopeful that this continue to get better.

adios

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missing

so i have had a lot of time to reflect. these past 10 months has brought massive changes that have been life altering.

yes, of course i miss the money-- more so being able to do for my family and not have too many restrictions. i miss those morning talks at work. i miss those friends at work that made me laugh and calmed me when i was out of my mind. but things happen for a reason. things i can not change. this is my reality. this is my life now. and for the moment, i have a different career that i enjoy and would like to go farther up the ladder. learning, meeting, helping and taking pride. i have to push my self every day but that is ok with me. what my life is now is real. painful but purposeful. slow but necessary. different but refreshing.

now don't get me wrong, this has been the scariest journey i have ever taken. i cry a lot, i worry all the time - but that is part of life. i am learning to appreciate the little things and miss those who i took for granted. i am not happy that i have these problems, but i am glad i have a chance to make a difference, stop and smell the roses and try things i would not have ever done. i finally have some optimism about moving forward and finding all the things that make me happy. finally.. .wow-- that feels good.

ignorance is bliss

somedays i play that card better then others. mentally - any disease can take you down and make it impossible to get back up, then you have to deal with the financial blows that having a disease can cause. i try so hard to remain neutral to the whole ordeal and remain positive that things will eventually work out. today it kinda hit me like a brick wall. ok, more like a mack truck. i really do have to find a full time job and get things back on track some what.

that whole mess scares me. my ego took some huge hits with my last jobs. but i must get past that and move on, and i have to say that has been the hardest. opportunity would be nice. options would be nice. i am so tired of worrying. no amount of vitamin d or painkillers can take away that pain or guilt. i wish i did not have to worry so much and focus on important things: like living life to the fullest.

any suggestions might do me good.