tough tough days

wow, can't believe I have been in bed for 4 days with little relief. my arms and elbows are so painful. I am not sure if the crying is from the extreme pain or just from being overwhelmed. I have been thinking so much about what went wrong, how did things get so bad? I have no clear cut answers, just theories. No insurance played a huge factor, then add a HUGE heaping of stress and denial. I have tried so hard to act like I had my disease in check and I was fine. These last four months have been a lie to myself and my family. The steroids, methotrexate, plaquenil, folic acid, pain killers, motrin and humira have done very little to calm the physical complaints. I am lacking the emotional support and understanding from people that know what I am going through cause they are going through the same thing. Don't get me wrong, I have a great family (they are trying desparetly trying to understand what happened latley and why I have fallen apart), friends that wanna push me to stay strong and help me go forward. I tried to work an adjusted schedule while all this is going on with little success. I should have known when my doctor asked if I could handle it, he was telling me I was doing more harm then good. I am so excited about Hopkins, but in the same breath afraid they won't have many options.

I am tired of not being able to blow dry my hair, put on certain clothes, brush my teeth and drive without pain. This last week proved to be too much for me -- pushing, pushing pushing forward like NOTHING was wrong. Convincing myself that i could make it three days and then collapse, get meds and try all over again. how many folks do you know that can go through all those meds and not falter? I tried to be that one who did not. I beat myself up daily because I see myself as a failure and a wimp. It's called denial and it can be devastating. emtionally it can rip you to shreds. And that my folks is where I stand today - this minute - devasted, shredded and not able to deal with much. how sad.