emotional rollercoaster

so these last SEVERAL days have been hard for me (as you can read). the health thing seems to be coming in to full view again and can't seem to recover. i try and try, but the stress from things happening at work are making that option seem impossible. I am not perfect by any means, but I do try and try really hard to make things work and make folks happy. but i have found myself in a situation that is almost impossible and i really don't have the energy or the right frame of mind to play those games. i am not good at letting others fail. because it my mind, i fail. i am trying to step back and let things happen and let the chips fall where they may, but it is hard. the emotional roller coaster is killing my insides and making my lovely disease wake up from its slumber. you see, stress is not good for anyone. but add a few autoimmune diseases to the mix and you are headed for trouble. and yet i know this and can't get out of the way. work is work. i was so loving my new work. i was so loving my new mentor. i was so on my way. and now i am not so sure about the new dynamics at work and how i will survive it. i am no longer that optimistic girl from earlier in my blog (years ago) after what i have seen and felt what this shit can do to me and others.

i still know i am good at my job, but i am not sure i will survive it. sad

fatigue

who would ever thought that little word could be so devastating. i have struggled with this symptom for many years, some days much better then others. i try many things to combat it from folic acid and vitamins to the not so conventional use of mountain dew. it is very hard not to get sucked into the fatigue. there are days where i can literally sleep on and off all day and night and feel like i am dying. there are days where i can forget that i am even bothered with it. but those days where it sucks me in, it kills my spirit, my will and my wants. nothing can be done to push those days away. i have NO choice but to give in. this makes me incrediably sad and hurt.

i just feel like giving in on those days and it is hard to convince myself otherwise. it's rough, debilitating and chronic. it is hard to convey what it feels like or even compare it to something.

i am tired... plain and simple.