i have learned throughout my life that things are not black and white. i learned that with my dogs and their cancer. i learned that when my friends and family that passed away. i learned that when i struggled to conceive my daughter. this gray area has been a constant in my life for a long time, and right now it is killing me. this gray area. this area where i don't understand why i feel so helpless, so sad and can't go forward. this gray area. this time i can't grasp what is wrong with me and why the doctors can't put a label on it. this gray area. the place where meds either help me or hurt me. this gray area. my illness is stopping/hindering my ability to stay gainfully employed. this gray area is where i live right now. no black and white. just gray. so at this point in my life, gray matters, cause that is the only thing that is real for me right now.